“There has been a growing trend towards parents attempting to befriend
their children,” reports Frank Furedi, professor of sociology at Kent
University. “But the problem with replacing limits with protracted
negotiations is that the outcome is inevitably to give in. Of course, there
are times when it makes sense to give in ? times when you realise it’s a
foolish battle ? but at the end of the day, kids need to understand it’s not
about pushing an open door, and that there are things beyond discussion.”
Furedi does not advocate harping back to draconian punishments ? just that
we’re a bit stricter, which one in four parents in the survey said they
wished they’d been because their children tended to be tearaways. “The
liberalisation of family life is no bad thing, but one of the upshots is it
has made the parent-child relationship more confused,” says Furedi. “There
was a time when discipline was seen as good or neutral, and now it is seen
as inevitably bad. Couple this with the trend towards adults wanting not to
feel cut off from things such as Facebook and the same music that youngsters
listen to, and you can see why parents find it increasingly difficult to
fulfil their role as parents and may wind up behaving in a way they
shouldn’t.”
None of this is helped by the fact that, historically, there was a degree of
solidarity in the socialisation of children ? a sense that all adults are in
this together, says Furedi. “You’d get aunts reprimanding kids, and
strangers too. But now, mums and dads are seen as in sole charge, and if
others hear kids shouting, swearing or yelling, they don’t intervene, and
that makes the issue of discipline at home even more difficult. After all,
kids find they can do what they want everywhere else without being
disciplined.”
There are, of course, a myriad of other reasons why some children display
challenging behaviour. Some may be distressed ? perhaps as a result of
something identifiable, perhaps not ? while others may have an actual
condition such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Meanwhile, the vast majority are simply doing what children do ? testing
boundaries. But the good news, says Jeremy Todd, chief executive of
Parentline Plus, is that there are tried and tested techniques for different
age groups that can help even in the most difficult of circumstances.
Toddlerdom, he says, can be one of the most shocking stages for parents. Your
smiley, happy baby can suddenly act like the devil incarnate. “Toddlers
will often go stiff or throw themselves on the floor, which can be
incredibly alarming for parents ? first, because the child could hurt
themselves, and second because, if in pubic, it can leave you hot with
embarrassment and stress.”
Although a challenge, the only way to deal with this, he says, is to stay
calm, lower your voice if you speak instead of raising it, and keep very
still (not drag them to where you want to go). “Although some recommend
walking away, I don’t think it’s best to go entirely out of the view of the
child,” says Todd. “Being patient and waiting for the screaming to
finish, and then returning to what you were doing gives the message that the
toddler has not been able to influence you by this behaviour.”
To prevent this happening in the first place, remember to cut the toddler some
slack ? let them do some things for themselves and make their own decisions,
where appropriate. Stick to strong boundaries and routines, and ensure they
get plenty of exercise. Three- to six-year-olds often display similar
behaviours, he says. “But as they’ve become more verbal, they’ll say
‘no’ a lot, and can start hitting you and others. Often, just ignoring the
‘no’ is the most effective.”
When this age group says “no”, they often don’t mean it, he
explains. “It doesn’t necessarily correlate to what they are thinking
or feeling, so a minimal response rather than coming down heavily each time
can work wonders. As for children being physical, try to catch the limb that
is performing the action ? the arm or leg ? and then try to remain calm,
taking them aside and acknowledging what they are feeling (angry/upset/
frightened, etc), but then say very firmly that this is not acceptable
behaviour, and that talking about what you’re feeling is a better way to
work things out.”
To prevent it happening, remember they’re tired after school so don’t pressure
them about homework. Let them have some down time ? they may even be better
off doing homework in the morning.
By the time your child reaches seven or eight, their weapon of choice will
probably be manipulation. “They can whine a lot, and the behaviour
becomes more varied and subsequently harder to deal with,” says Todd. “The
same principle applies, though ? try to get to the bottom of what they are
feeling, spotting the link between the behaviour, emotion and needs.
Acknowledge that, and listen ? really listen, as this is the bit parents
often miss ? to what is bothering them, and then tell them clearly what
behaviour you find unacceptable and how it makes you feel.”
At this age, prevention can be achieved by ensuring they don’t get too many
late nights and aren’t overdoing it.
Philippa Kelly, social worker consultant and parenting expert at Park Foster
Care, feels consistency and managing the behaviour rather than blaming the
child are helpful. She adds: “Having clear house rules and consequences
that are logical and make sense also help. Don’t get into arguments ? if you
have said something, that is that.”
Above all, she says, reward the behaviour you want to see. “Positive
praise is the most effective way of changing behaviour.”
The naughty step and time out are currently fashionable, and with good reason. “It’s
a good way of making a child think about their behaviour and the effect it
has on others in a caring way if used correctly,” says Alison Quill,
founder of BrightMinds. “It’s important, though, that they realise the
behaviour for which they’re being put on the step, and to do it quickly
without ranting and raving too much.” She also advocates using a timing
device, giving the child a clear focus, and stopping the never-ending “How
long left?” questions.
Kelly suggests parenting classes, which are available nationwide. “They
can be a major support to all parents, whether they are experiencing
difficulties or just want the confidence to know what they are doing is
positive.
“They can provide peer support for parents who are going through similar
experiences, especially as with modern life many parents have limited
support from extended family. In addition, parenting classes are a place
where parents are supported to enhance or gain skills required to positively
parent, develop a positive relationship with their child, encourage and
support the child’s development and independent skills, as well as
techniques that work to manage misbehaviour while encouraging the desired
behaviour.”
Annabel Karmel, a child nutrition expert and the author of the Family Meal
Planner, adds that poor eating habits can greatly impact on a child’s
behaviour. “In particular, think about breakfast. White bread and
strawberry jam, for instance, will make their blood sugar level rise, then
dip, and we know what we get like when our blood sugar level dips.
Wholegrain bread, fruit and eggs, on the other hand, will keep them going on
an even keel. Many children don’t eat breakfast at all, and spend huge sums
on sweets on the way to school.”
Others point to investing in the right toys. It is widely accepted trampolines
are fantastic for children with behavioural problems (for a good starter
option, consider the Junior Trampoline with mat at Argos: £34.99); while
toys that get kids on the move are also an excellent investment (Early
Learning Centre’s JCB Dump Truck, £50, and Motorbike, £35, are both
recommended). Also focus on toys that stimulate and bring alive the
imagination (consider Mamas and Papas Littleland Little Entertainer for
little ones, £49.99 at Argos, and Dream Town Gasketts Garage for older
children, £40 at Debenhams) as well as toys that focus on the elements
(Little Tikes Deluxe Sand and Water Table, £69.99 at Toys R Us, is a great
option).
Ann Herreboudt, a child psychologist at the Viveka heath practice in London,
adds that lack of routines, constantly criticising or telling off and not
spending enough time with the child are big no-nos. “I mean proper time
like floor time, as in getting down on the floor and really playing with
your child,” she says.
When it comes to children who have ADHD and other learning difficulties,
Herreboudt believes parents tend to be fairly instinctive that something is
wrong. Her advice is to get the child checked out by a medical professional,
but accept the fact that a diagnosis isn’t always easy to get and you may
still have to work hard to get support. Focus on specialist parenting
manuals, such as Christopher Green and Kit Chee’s Understanding ADHD
(Vermilion). But, adds Cathy Glass, the author of Happy Kids: The secret to
raising well-behaved, contented children (Harper Collins), who has fostered
many children with diagnoses ranging from ADHD to oppositional defiant
disorder, always deal with the behaviour rather than bowing to the
diagnosis. “Regardless of the special needs in question, if challenging
behaviour is one of the symptoms, it can be vastly improved, even completely
changed, by enforcing clear and consistent boundaries.”
Some parents find solutions in the growing number of specialist techniques,
such as Dore’s exercise programme which is designed to kick-start the
cerebellum. Others find the right school is a saviour. “Ben was a model
baby, but when he hit 15 months, he had the most enormous amounts of energy,
and, by the time he got to school age, it was hard to control him. I used to
wake up every morning, thinking: ‘What am I going to be faced with today?’
He got violent, used horrific language and was completely unpredictable,”
says Bryony Johnstone from Bristol. “Having finally, after a decade,
found a school that seems to know how to be with him is making such a
difference not only to his behaviour but to his well-being.”
The challenges involved in finding the right school for such children is the
reason Felicity Evans set up one of Britain’s growing number of small
schools focused on turning round children with special needs. She says: “I
started NatureKids in Hertfordshire, based on the Scandinavian philosophy
that time in nature reduces ADHD. I’ve found it hugely effective for
Asperger [Syndrome] and dyslexia as well as other problems.”
She points out even the most challenging children can be delightful when their
behaviour is channelled correctly, and their adult lives look set to be
anything but dull. “They can be creative, spontaneous and vivacious,
and in adulthood they’re the kind of people who go out and grab life with
both hands.”
Discipline
Don’t
Give in
Bribe inappropriately
Make the goals too high
Forget to praise and have fun
Do
Set clear boundaries
Have a routine
Listen to your child
Tune in to how they are feeling
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